Yes, Elie Wiesel said it so powerfully: "We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
I love… and hate this topic. Hate the abuse I witness so much. I usually acknowledge the person that got the mistreatment and I try to say something to the aggressor, however I usually stumble on my words or when the anger turns on me I don’t know what to say. I freeze. It’s because I don’t want to match anger with anger, even though that’s what I’m feeling. So I am trying to be calm and assertive, however I was taught that my thoughts and feeling were irrelevant and that conflict was to be feared. Do you have any tips on how to address the aggressor. Or is the secret to ignore the aggressor and to put the emphasis on the victim? Meanwhile the aggressor is still carrying on. I think I get triggered myself at the injustice and I want to go into proving that the abuse is so wrong, in so many ways. In most cases, I think these people can’t be reasoned with. It’s what they DO and how they operate in life. No self reflection or accountability. Your insight is always appreciated Shola! Thank you!
Brenda, I'm fully with you on the "love and hate" feelings about this topic! And please trust that freezing in the moment is a very common response to seeing unkindness happen in front of us in real time. My brain's default response is typically, "there's NO WAY this guy just said that to another human being." As for tips to address the aggressor, that's hard to answer because these situations aren't one-size-fits-all. Some of my responses are the direct address "the cashier is doing the best she can, no need to be rude", or distraction, by interrupting the abuse by saying to the cashier, "hi, do you mind telling me where the Nutella is?" And then I stick around until things calm down. Most commonly though, my go-to strategy is to ALWAYS check on the targeted person. Like you said, the aggressor likely lacks the self-awareness to be reasoned with if they're already going buckwild in the middle of a grocery store, so I'd rather focus my efforts on the person who truly matters in the interaction (aka, the targeted person). Thanks for reading!
I am deeply uncomfortable with these situations, especially having been on the receiving end I KNOW how lonely and cruel they are to the person targeted. It triggers rage in me that pushes me to move, say something, do something or I'll just hate myself for letting that happen to someone else. The only exception is if the situation will put my children in danger.
Today I called out the mayor of our town on his mistreatment of the headmistress of my 4yo daughter's school, and expressed support to her privately. My husband never wants to make waves and thinks I'll get us in trouble and got mad, but I say let them try, they're not scaring me. We have immense privilege in life, the only good and decent way to use it is in defence of others. At work, I call out toxic managers or inappropriate behaviors to leadership, while privately providing support to the victims of said behavior. It's also self serving, everything works better when crappy behavior is eliminated, people are happier, kinder, more productive and helpful.
We can literally build a better world by not staying neutral because there is no neutral, like you can't be "not a feminist" without being a sexist, or not taking a stand against racism is in fact being racist. There are absolutes in a society that can't be avoided, even if we're not perfect at every turn.
Alexandra, I couldn't agree more with every point you made. Despite writing this article, I am also deeply uncomfortable with confrontation (except, just like you, in situations that involve the safety of my daughters). You absolutely nailed it with your final two points: 1) addressing toxicity is an activity where everyone wins (the target, the upstander, and possibly even the aggressor), and 2) claiming that we're not racist or sexist are not valid positions. We are either addressing the problem through our actions, or we're contributing to the problem through our inaction--there is no neutral.
It wasn’t until adulthood that I came to understand the difference between being “nice” and “kind.” Something the kindest thing we can do for someone wouldn’t be considered very nice and vice versa. I’ve been following Kim Scott’s work on Radical Candor for a while on social media. It’s targeted at the workplace, but it’s applicable to most all environments. I haven’t taken a deep dive, but even my somewhat surface-level exploration has provided an expanded framework and new language that makes sense to this introverted, conflict-avoidant, sometimes-too-nice-for-any-of-our-good soul.
Shola - Thank you for broaching this topic in such a gentle yet clear-eyed way.
Nice writing, Shola. Once, in an awful Chinese fast food joint, I had to send my garlic chicken back. The dish contained numerous gristle-bombs. When I asked politely for the waitress to send it back, she replied: "It's not ALL chicken fat, is it?" I took that message to be, "I will not speak up for you with the cook, but still want a nice tip."
Yes, Elie Wiesel said it so powerfully: "We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
Agreed Stephanie, it's one of my all-time favorite quotes!
I love… and hate this topic. Hate the abuse I witness so much. I usually acknowledge the person that got the mistreatment and I try to say something to the aggressor, however I usually stumble on my words or when the anger turns on me I don’t know what to say. I freeze. It’s because I don’t want to match anger with anger, even though that’s what I’m feeling. So I am trying to be calm and assertive, however I was taught that my thoughts and feeling were irrelevant and that conflict was to be feared. Do you have any tips on how to address the aggressor. Or is the secret to ignore the aggressor and to put the emphasis on the victim? Meanwhile the aggressor is still carrying on. I think I get triggered myself at the injustice and I want to go into proving that the abuse is so wrong, in so many ways. In most cases, I think these people can’t be reasoned with. It’s what they DO and how they operate in life. No self reflection or accountability. Your insight is always appreciated Shola! Thank you!
Brenda, I'm fully with you on the "love and hate" feelings about this topic! And please trust that freezing in the moment is a very common response to seeing unkindness happen in front of us in real time. My brain's default response is typically, "there's NO WAY this guy just said that to another human being." As for tips to address the aggressor, that's hard to answer because these situations aren't one-size-fits-all. Some of my responses are the direct address "the cashier is doing the best she can, no need to be rude", or distraction, by interrupting the abuse by saying to the cashier, "hi, do you mind telling me where the Nutella is?" And then I stick around until things calm down. Most commonly though, my go-to strategy is to ALWAYS check on the targeted person. Like you said, the aggressor likely lacks the self-awareness to be reasoned with if they're already going buckwild in the middle of a grocery store, so I'd rather focus my efforts on the person who truly matters in the interaction (aka, the targeted person). Thanks for reading!
I am deeply uncomfortable with these situations, especially having been on the receiving end I KNOW how lonely and cruel they are to the person targeted. It triggers rage in me that pushes me to move, say something, do something or I'll just hate myself for letting that happen to someone else. The only exception is if the situation will put my children in danger.
Today I called out the mayor of our town on his mistreatment of the headmistress of my 4yo daughter's school, and expressed support to her privately. My husband never wants to make waves and thinks I'll get us in trouble and got mad, but I say let them try, they're not scaring me. We have immense privilege in life, the only good and decent way to use it is in defence of others. At work, I call out toxic managers or inappropriate behaviors to leadership, while privately providing support to the victims of said behavior. It's also self serving, everything works better when crappy behavior is eliminated, people are happier, kinder, more productive and helpful.
We can literally build a better world by not staying neutral because there is no neutral, like you can't be "not a feminist" without being a sexist, or not taking a stand against racism is in fact being racist. There are absolutes in a society that can't be avoided, even if we're not perfect at every turn.
Alexandra, I couldn't agree more with every point you made. Despite writing this article, I am also deeply uncomfortable with confrontation (except, just like you, in situations that involve the safety of my daughters). You absolutely nailed it with your final two points: 1) addressing toxicity is an activity where everyone wins (the target, the upstander, and possibly even the aggressor), and 2) claiming that we're not racist or sexist are not valid positions. We are either addressing the problem through our actions, or we're contributing to the problem through our inaction--there is no neutral.
Thank you for including examples.
It wasn’t until adulthood that I came to understand the difference between being “nice” and “kind.” Something the kindest thing we can do for someone wouldn’t be considered very nice and vice versa. I’ve been following Kim Scott’s work on Radical Candor for a while on social media. It’s targeted at the workplace, but it’s applicable to most all environments. I haven’t taken a deep dive, but even my somewhat surface-level exploration has provided an expanded framework and new language that makes sense to this introverted, conflict-avoidant, sometimes-too-nice-for-any-of-our-good soul.
Shola - Thank you for broaching this topic in such a gentle yet clear-eyed way.
If anyone is curious to here’s a link. https://www.radicalcandor.com/our-approach
Nice writing, Shola. Once, in an awful Chinese fast food joint, I had to send my garlic chicken back. The dish contained numerous gristle-bombs. When I asked politely for the waitress to send it back, she replied: "It's not ALL chicken fat, is it?" I took that message to be, "I will not speak up for you with the cook, but still want a nice tip."
Yikes! Gristle-bombs are the WORSTTTTTTTT 😆