I wholeheartedly agree with you on all of these. Boy, was it hard for the people pleaser in me to stick to my truth even when it meant others might be upset with me. But the more I stay grounded in my truths and my values, the easier it gets to hold my boundaries, and to your point, be kind while I do it. Love your work, Shola!
Thank you, Linda! And as a fellow recovering people-pleaser, I couldn't agree more with how hard it is to honor our truth when doing so might upset others. That's why I believe that this kindness work is a practice...and some days, that practice is HARD WORK!
What resonated for me isn't my own toxic need but something my mom used to do that drove me crazy. No matter what it was she couldn't say when she was wrong.
I learned from watching the wrong way she approached life. I admit I don't know when I don't know and ask for help or advice freely. I don't want to be a know-it-all because I have seen the consequences.
The need to be liked... again my mom was what I call a people pleaser. Yes she was very unliked during this faze in her life and admitted it freely later on.
Thank you for this excellent article. I hope it helps those who have these needs get past them.
I feel you on this! I know many people like your mom who are completely unable to apologize or admit that they're wrong. It's weird, but like I mentioned in the article, to them, admitting that they're wrong is like admitting that they're less of a human. On a positive note, here's to us continuing to steer clear of those three toxic needs!
This writing really helps me. I want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me has been on my mind off & on since you mentioned it briefly before. When I read this post last night I was reminded of how important it is for me to use your words as a mantra. Today was another tough day at work and being able to say to myself, “I may want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me,” really helped me A TON today. Thank you. What broke my heart was reading about how you endured those sickening jokes in college. I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you have found ways to heal.
Thank you, LJ! As a recovering people-pleaser, the "I want you to like me, but I don't need you to like me" mantra has been a life-changing reframe for me. I'm thrilled to hear that it has been useful for you too. And yeah, I wish I realized that in my younger years in college when I chuckled uncomfortably like a coward when I was the butt of racist jokes. Still though, on a positive note, if it wasn't for things like that, I wouldn't have been inspired to find the solutions that I have now 🙏🏾.
Needing to be right, hits home for me. Thabks for this...the needing things to be easy was a new way to frame a bad habit. Starting those hard actions with even a small forward step as you've suggested in prior articles has been helpful, and I'll think about ways I can do that when taking up a challenge that seems overwhelming.
Incredible. Kindness, yes yes yes.
Thanks for reading, Stephanie!
I wholeheartedly agree with you on all of these. Boy, was it hard for the people pleaser in me to stick to my truth even when it meant others might be upset with me. But the more I stay grounded in my truths and my values, the easier it gets to hold my boundaries, and to your point, be kind while I do it. Love your work, Shola!
Thank you, Linda! And as a fellow recovering people-pleaser, I couldn't agree more with how hard it is to honor our truth when doing so might upset others. That's why I believe that this kindness work is a practice...and some days, that practice is HARD WORK!
What resonated for me isn't my own toxic need but something my mom used to do that drove me crazy. No matter what it was she couldn't say when she was wrong.
I learned from watching the wrong way she approached life. I admit I don't know when I don't know and ask for help or advice freely. I don't want to be a know-it-all because I have seen the consequences.
The need to be liked... again my mom was what I call a people pleaser. Yes she was very unliked during this faze in her life and admitted it freely later on.
Thank you for this excellent article. I hope it helps those who have these needs get past them.
I feel you on this! I know many people like your mom who are completely unable to apologize or admit that they're wrong. It's weird, but like I mentioned in the article, to them, admitting that they're wrong is like admitting that they're less of a human. On a positive note, here's to us continuing to steer clear of those three toxic needs!
To us. And here is to hoping the ones in your life have a chance to grow. Wishing my mom was still here to learn.
This writing really helps me. I want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me has been on my mind off & on since you mentioned it briefly before. When I read this post last night I was reminded of how important it is for me to use your words as a mantra. Today was another tough day at work and being able to say to myself, “I may want you to like me, but I don’t need you to like me,” really helped me A TON today. Thank you. What broke my heart was reading about how you endured those sickening jokes in college. I’m sorry you went through that. I hope you have found ways to heal.
Thank you, LJ! As a recovering people-pleaser, the "I want you to like me, but I don't need you to like me" mantra has been a life-changing reframe for me. I'm thrilled to hear that it has been useful for you too. And yeah, I wish I realized that in my younger years in college when I chuckled uncomfortably like a coward when I was the butt of racist jokes. Still though, on a positive note, if it wasn't for things like that, I wouldn't have been inspired to find the solutions that I have now 🙏🏾.
Needing to be right, hits home for me. Thabks for this...the needing things to be easy was a new way to frame a bad habit. Starting those hard actions with even a small forward step as you've suggested in prior articles has been helpful, and I'll think about ways I can do that when taking up a challenge that seems overwhelming.
Right on, Lilliana! That's what I was hoping for in this article. We're in this together!